10-24-09 57th entry

Its been nearly a year since I last updated this journal. I've felt more failure then anything and just have not had the heart to continue with negative entries as it seemed like that's all I was putting for so long. But I've had it told to me a couple times that I really should update and write again. So, since I've had a couple interesting experiences recently I thought I would. First the update as to what has been going on with the weight issue. Then (more then likely will have to be a 2nd entry due to length) I'll go in to my experiences that drive me to write tonight.

To start off with, I've lost a total of 115 lbs so far. That is before and after surgery. I have actually only lost 20ish lbs tho since January '09. Not good. I have had a lot of stress and anger issues this past 11 months. I've been dealing with depression as well off and on.

I moved in June from the one place I've stayed the longest since I moved out on my own at 18. I lived there 2 months short of 4 years. That last 6 months or so tho I was hating living there and that's where the anger and stress and frustrations and all those choker block full of negative emotions got me. I ate. I didn't gain tho, but I didn't loose much. I'm not sure how to take that. I can't say failure but I can't say success.

I moved in with another friend from work and I went from the fire to the fire. Loads of negative emotions and tons of stress (not due to friend but neighbors and people in and out of the house as well as in the beginning the changes that nearly drove me out of my mind). If it weren't for my Besty moving to the area in April, I don't think I'd of made it as well as I have. Getting to hang out with him in purrson gives me a chance to just relax and chill. He makes me laugh quite a bit. I owe him quite a bit of thankies

So with all this bad feelings I have been dealing with, I have not done well with the weight loss. I can eat normal purrson sized portions of food now when I shouldn't be able to eat half of what I can. I do however have to still eat slowly. I have to be careful of pasta and breads and dry meats. If I'm not careful, my stomach lets me know. Boy does it let me know!

If foods are too dry or I don't chew food well enough, it will come right back up. If pasta is not fully cooked and most breads if not moistened goes down, a little while later, my stomach will feel like its going to explode! It hurts like hell at times! It literally will feel like my throat is pushing to my ears. Somehow the band must push upwards on the esophogus thus the pressure near my ears and in to my throat.

I must point out that the band is not failing me with my weight loss. I am failing me with the weight loss. I let the stress and all that other crap get to me and I do/did what I've done all my life. Ate. Food is comfort. I do eat healthier then I did before tho, I just eat too much for successful weight loss. I don't eat nearly as much junk food. I try to stick with dark chocolate and peanuts or crackers (flavored type) for snacking instead of cakes and candy. Granted I still do get that kind of junk but I usually end up sharing with my Besty so I don't eat it all lol.

I tried to prepare myself before surgery for rough times in my life but I seriously never expected to have to deal with SO much negative feelings. So if your thinking about this surgery, make sure when you are thinking of the future, think of any negative type things you may have to deal with and then add 10 x's that and just hope you don't have to deal with the worst parts.

So anyway, even tho that sounds bad, physically I do feel sooooo much better. I can walk almost normal most of the time. I've even had times of when Besty and I go shopping, I loose him cause I walk so fast rotflmao. I don't breath so hard when I do walk faster. I can do so much more activities then I could a year ago. I can lift more without my back wanting to kill me. I can clean for longer periods of time and not stop every 5 minutes. I actually have occasions of where I want to do housework type things and at work I'll deliberately take longer walks about the factory to deliver the stuff I do. When I'm not in pain from back (arthritis and 2 protrusions do cause me issues) I will even try to make myself walk at a brisk pace at work.

I'm working the quitting smoking again. That's been a massive pain in my ass this whole process but I'm succeeding better then I have to date. I've even begun coughing up darker phlem so I'm guessing some of that gunk in my lungs is coming up.

Due to the slow to nothing weight loss, I have recently decided to try Acai berry pills and colopure pills. They are natural vitamin type things that help promote healthier body functions. I'm only on my trial bottles as its only been a few days but I can say the colopure is definatly working. I will get more in to these products tho should I continue to use them. I've decided to try them even if its only for the cleansing of my system of toxins etc and no weight loss happens.

I guess I will stop here and do 2nd entry so more to be written later.

On 11-2-09 I erased the 58th entry due to not being relevant to this journal. It may be a good while again till I re-write as I just don't feel like it anymore.