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 Oh those kids!!! ;)

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Katt
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PostSubject: Oh those kids!!! ;)   Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:51 am

I was nursing my newborn daughter when my 2-year old son and husband walked into the hospital room. My son asked what I was doing and I said feeding the baby milk, then he replied, "Can I get some juice out of your arm?"

My son 4 yr old Jalen was having "library time" while I was doing paperwork, and he sneezed. Well I was so into what I was doing I hadn't noticed. So he says "Isn't anyone going to say bless you". So I said, I'm sorry, bless you Jalen. He says, "thank you, I owe you one".

My son Jacob, age 3, had gotten a cut on his finger. I asked if I could put a Band-aid over it so that it wouldn't get irritated. He replied, "But Mommy, it's not "earitated"; it's "fingertated"."

I was teaching the 3 year olds in Sunday School and one morning this little girl, Stephanie decided to eat the crayons. I would take it out of her hand as she was tempting to put it in her mouth and put it back in the crayon box, without saying anything, hoping she would get the hint not to eat crayons. After the third one, I said: "Honey, that crayon don't taste good." She picked up a different color and said: "Do this taste good?"

When Sondra was small, maybe three or so, her dad and the older kids were all having a great time just watching the antics of a jumping spider as it was hopping around in the yard. Dad thought Sondra would enjoy it, too, so he called her over to watch. Sondra comes on over to have a look, and the next thing you know, it's "Oooh...bug" SQUASH!

There was the time my son was in the bathroom way too long-I banged on the door, telling him to open the door RIGHT NOW. He did, rather slowly, and our cat Buddy sat there calmly on the edge of the vanity, although he looked to be in a terrible state. Water everywhere, and a nearly empty tube of hair gel in the sink... I asked my son what in the world was going on, and he said, very proudly, "I spike his hair, Mom, don't you think he looks good?" Buddy has nerves of steel, and the patience of a saint...

I took my kids to my mother~in~laws pool. The four year old was doing cannonballs, and right before the jump she would yell, "Candy-ball!!!!!"

My 5 year old nephew got one of those transformers from Burger King. He was playing with it and his window in the car was open and it fell out the window. He was upset so when they went into another store that had those machines where you grab toys, he got a sea turtle. He was sitting in the back seat in his car seat and told my sister, "Mom, the turtle wants to come up and sit with you. He heard I kill my friends."

I was soldering copper for a trellis. So when I said I was going down to the basement, my 7-year old said, "Why? Are you going to do another joint?"

Little Jacob had a hard time getting use to a new baby in the house. Coming out of his bedroom talking rather loud and being told to be quiet, the baby is asleep, he very seriously said, "Well ya'll better be quiet, cause my foot`s asleep."

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Katt
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PostSubject: Re: Oh those kids!!! ;)   Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:03 am

One day a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

While her mother was studying the chapter on hematology for her nursing class, four-year-old Danielle asked what she was reading. Her mother said she was learning about blood and she explained how the heart pumps blood all the way through the body. Then she taught Danielle to feel her pulse in her wrists and feet. Danielle wandered away and her mother noticed her looking at the soles of her feet. Then Danielle twisted and turned and pulled down the top of her shorts to look at her bottom. She stretched her arms all the way around and managed to feel her back. Her mother didn't pay any attention until Danielle came back and asked, "Where do we put the batteries?"

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me!"

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Out shopping, my friend Darin noticed a mother with three little girls and a baby. The woman's patience was wearing thin as all the girls called "Mama" while she tried to shop. Finally, Darin heard her say, "I don't want to hear the word MAMA for at least five minutes." A few seconds went by, then one girl tugged on her mom's skirt and said, "Excuse me, miss."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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Katt
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PostSubject: Re: Oh those kids!!! ;)   Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:12 am

While sitting at the dinner table one evening, my 7 and 8-year-old boys started telling me how they "thought" that they witnessed two teenagers engaging in the "full facts of life" in the next-door garage. Concerned, of course, I questioned them and was relieved to find out that they were doing not much more than kissing. So, of course, I felt it best at that time to set them straight and explain the real facts of life to them. My oldest found everything I said to be quite funny and silly but my 7-year-old blurted out (as I was swallowing my food) "Oh, I get it! It's like going to the gas station and pumping gas!"

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnnn. . . and into the hole you goooo."

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there!?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5-year-old what he wants for breakfast
"Awe hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a DOCTOR in there, too?!"
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Katt
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PostSubject: Re: Oh those kids!!! ;)   Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:15 am

Science Sillies from 5th & 6th Graders:


The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, people forget to put the top on.

You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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Katt
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Number of posts : 832
Age : 47
Location : Pennsylvania, USA
Humor : Odd and Quick
Registration date : 2008-06-19

PostSubject: Re: Oh those kids!!! ;)   Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:24 am

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:


The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma ((((((((((((((Katt has officially died laughing on this one)))))))))))
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