Quotes of a Funny Nature

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
---Jim Morrison

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
---Unknown

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls."
---Groucho Marx

"A hard man is good to find."
---Mae West

"No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not."
---H.L. Mencken

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
---Dean Martin

"I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
---Leo Duracher

"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
---Franklin Jones

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood."
---Cal Thomas

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
---Steven Wright

"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
---Jim Leyland

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
---Dave Berry

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."
---Unknown

"He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke."
---Unknown

"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction."
---Bill Flavin

"Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it."
---Unknown

"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
---Unknown

"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?"
---Nipsey Russel

"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."
---Unknown

"Shipwrecked man to another: 'Don't worry--we'll be found. My pledge to the church is due this week.'"
---Al Johns

"Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier."
---James Dent

"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
---Jay Leno

"Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute."
---Jonathan Kellerman

"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"
---Unknown

"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men."
---Joseph Conrad

"It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."
---Unknown

"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."
---Unknown

"After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room."
---Unknown

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
---A. Whitney Brown

"Tolerance is a great trait to contain, but so is the ability to shut up."
---Unknown

"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
---Mark Grasso

"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
---George Carlin

"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
---Terry Marchal

"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
---Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
---H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
---Al Bernstein

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
---Scott Adams

"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
---Bill Cosby

"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
---Tommy Bolt

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
---W.C. Fields

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
---Franklin P. Jones

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
---Doug Larson

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
---Lubna Azmi

"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."
---Lisa Leslie

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
---George Carlin

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
---George Carlin

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it."
---George Carlin

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
---George Carlin

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."
---George Carlin

"Don’t you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?"
---George Carlin

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