Thoughts 2 by Ice

I don't know what to think most of the time. I know what I have to do but its been nearly 2 weeks since this turmoil began and I really don't feel there is any improvement. Its making me feel like I'm going to fail. Too much up and down, down and up sways with the emotions and thoughts. Not an improvement.

More often then not I feel like its not worth the time trying to change me to be what I should be. Every day I struggle with forcing myself to stop thinking I'm a waste. I've done this to myself for so long I have no idea how to stop.

Is going through this worth it all? Part of me just wants to roll over, give up and just let things go along in my normal habit. Get in to my own place and totally isolate myself from everyone. I've already done a good job getting myself nearly isolated completely from those I talk to online. Most of my friends and family as well. It wouldn't take much more to have complete isolation. Move in to my own place, not get the net on (don't know if I'll be able to afford it anyway) and just fade away.

I don't know how to stop the negative thoughts. I can't stop eating even though my tummy rebels most of the time. I can't get the energy to do the house work I need to. I have no motivation to not just sit and watch stupid shows and movies online. I can say I'm always depressed as usual but seems to be worse.

I hate being stuck here in this house. I want out on my own again even though that thought terrifies me. I still can't stop worrying about Bill's situation. I think that stems from feeling guilty even though logically I know I shouldn't. I'm worried about how to make my plan on being out of here by April go through. Something always seems to happen though.

I guess I'm just too tired to think. That's always when the bad thoughts are when they are the worst. The more tired I am, the more insane and nasty they get.