Thoughts By Ice

So much turmoil emotionally and mentally recently. My fate leaves me lost, confused and wondering should I even bother with trying to live future. I spent so much of my energy protecting others from myself with holding back how I feel that I have been destroying me for years, if not all my life. I've tried many times to stop the self destruction but for every step forward, there is always the step backwards.

I've known my fate since I was 17. I've tried to fight that fate. I'll never understand how the Fates and Goddess can leave someone that is destined to be alone most of their life with emotions too strong for 1 person. Every time my heart has fallen to another, its been all out. The intensity is overwhelming. I've never just given a small part for those I've truly loved. I either go full out or not at all, even though many times I've thought I did, when in fact I didn't love. Had I actually loved them, it wouldn't of been so easy for me to forget.

I can say I've loved 5 times and I knew things were not meant to be from the get go, tho with the first 2 I'd not faced my fate and ignored what had been reveled to me when I was 17. The last 3, 2 know, the 3rd doesn't and he never will. 1 knows because of our ancient connection/bond. Had turmoil not reigned me into confusion almost like now, the 3rd wouldn't of known either. I choose friendship with the last 3 and wouldn't allow myself any hope at all. Yes, emotional farts happened many times through the years with all 3, leaving me feeling broken and raw. But each time I pulled myself together and continued on.

Until this last time. The final time that leaves me searching for who I am. What am I to be? What am I to do? Is it too late?

It took me many years to finally figure out who I've truly loved and who I haven't. Most I haven't. Only those I would protect are the true ones. But why should I even bother with matters of the heart? I know I'm not worthy of being loved the way I need. I've known that most if not all of my life. Yea, I've foolishly hoped things would be made different but I'm always wrong. I can't settle my mind to figure out which way to go. I'm trying so hard to find that line I need to where I can still feel but not love. I fear the old "Ice" will take over completely, leaving me a bitter, emotionless (enjoyable emotions), angry thing. Yes, a thing.

Recently I'd written several writings that I wound up completely deleting. Not something I normally do. When I write, it comes from within and is always true to heart/mind/soul. Writing tends to help me heal now that I'm allowing myself to do so again. I'd used to use writing years ago but when I got with Randy, he was jealous of even my writing and I had to give it up. I had to give all my works to my cousin to hold on to because he didn't even want them in our home. Sadly she got rid of them about a year before I'd finally asked for them back. She'd kept them for years n years too. I'd love to compare how I write now to how I wrote then.

As I think of that I begin to think of my first 2 loves. The 1st that brought me out of the original 'Ice", broke me. He shattered me in ways no man has ever been able to since. But he loved me enough to build me back. He took those shattered pieces and put them back together, but stronger. I know he loved me, he just couldn't handle the age difference.

The 2nd, just tore me down to a nothing. I can't think of anything good I got out of that relationship. I loved him enough to change who I was as a person. Granted the relationship was not all bad. He helped take care of my parents and brother as needed. His way was just too cold and heartless.

Ironic how both so similar, yet both so different. Both were 13 years older then me. Both similar in looks. Both were confused in the beginning as to how they could of been so drawn to me. Yes, it was said by both but in different ways. They could not understand how they'd fallen in love with me. When the relationships ended, they still returned to me for pleasure even when engaged to others. Ironic, they couldn't handle being with me, yet they couldn't give me up.

Then we get in to the last 3. All younger. All were/are my best friends. All similar in looks and personality (can we say alpha male to the max?). I am now laughing as I realize the ironic nature of how things are! We can go months on end without speaking and things fall right in to place. True friends. All in relationships when we met. All I knew from first conversations that it would only be friendship but I think deep down I knew they were to be part of my life in ways that had I known at that moment of meeting, I wouldn't have let it continue.

Or would I have? That part leaves me confused. I just know that even before I fell for the 3rd one, it would be the final time I would allow anyone in my heart.

Matters of the heart. Fickle. Confusion supreme. Raw. Needless.

Why I allowed myself any love at all from 17 on, I'll never understand. Lessons were learned so I guess that's what it all boils down to. They touched/touch me in ways that had I not loved, they wouldn't of.

Confusion, rage, hatred, sorrow, fear, anxiety and yet more rage are consuming me now.

I'm angry at ever having loved anyone. I'm angry at not having anyone that will love me. I'm confused at how could things be so strange. I hate that I have to destroy who I am. I have to destroy my ability to love simply because I loved. I have to tear myself apart and build myself back together. I'm scared I'll fail. I'm scared I'll succeed.

In so many ways it doesn't seem fair but yet I know that if I don't, the Goddess is going to answer my life long need to die. My fate of dieing young will come true. Just when within the last 2 to 3 years I'd finally begun to have tidbits of wanting to live.

The Goddess showed me quickly the reason for the final emotional fart. Now I just need to find how to answer her punch. Destroy what I am that is not who I am and become my true self. I've known for so long that I'm not who I truly am that's why I have tried to change so many times.

But I always let myself fail. If I let myself fail this time, it means my death. Of this I am certain. The broken part of me wants that. Wants the years and years of constant pain and grief to stop. There's another part of me that growls and won't let me stop. I have to keep going.

And that's where the 3 different sides of me combat.

Ice, who needs to come out. My inner Demon whom I've held in check for many years. Full of anger, rage and uncaring. Strong to the point of unbending. That I've known I will have to fight in the final 3rd step in order to heal. I've always thought the fight would be different. I've even had a couple visions of it happening. Ice, who is coming out but tightly held in check, for now.

Crystal, who is the weakest. The self destructive, doesn't give a poopoo about herself yet cares intensely for others. Lets people use her, treat her like poopoo to a certain point but then comes out swinging. Uses so much self control that it should be strength when in fact it is weakness. A true ClusterFuck.

Katt, who is the bestiest. I'd tried to be her. She is who is held back inside. She's loving, touchy, a pure goof with a heart of gold but a will of steel. Don't muck around with those she cares about. She'll come out scratching, aiming to take the eyes out. I know she is who I should be but until I can find a way to be her physically, not just mentally, she can't exist for me. It's hurting me to put her back in to the nothing inside me. But until I can touch someone without wanting to hold back for self protection, until I can give someone who needs a hug quite obviously a hug without hesitation, she can't play anymore. Until I can use her quick, rapid fire oddball humor verbally, she must go to sleep.

I want to be Katt. I need to be Ice. I am Crystal. Where is that line? Will I ever find what I need in time? If I do find what I need, will I stand true or will I buckle as I always do?

I guess only time can tell and this time, there is no way anyone can help me, but me.

As I re-read this months later, I have to update with a almost saddened heart. The choice has been made and the process of change has begun and the Goddess has shown me that my choice is right. She has begun blessing me and my life in non-emotional ways has begun to be as I need it to be.

Katt can never return. She dies slowly in me and leaves me with a heavy, angry heart that I can't be her. Crystal as well is to die. Only Ice will remain.

I realized this change is true and complete when I realized that should those I care the most about betray me in even the slightest of ways, I could and will walk away from them without hesitation. To know that I could turn my heart off completely against my family and friends I love dearly angers me, but I have done it several times in the last 8 years. I've turned from those I am connected to by soul and only their coming back to me returned our friendships.

I should have realized long ago that Ice never truly went away and will yet again become who I am.

The "battle" with my Demon will not happen. I will embrace my Demon yet again, without fear. I have been doing so and in time the acceptance will be complete. My Anger is my Demon. My Demon is my Anger. I will allow the Anger to be my poison in time. It is as it should be.

It is as I should never have fought with all my intense foolish emotions.

I will live. I will thrive. I will do so alone and I will do so tho acceptingly, not wantingly. I can not fight my fate. I will not fight my fate.

Now to find the way to make all those I care about realize, there will be no 2nd chances with betrayals as before. When I walk, I will walk completely.