Thoughts 3 by Ice

I've been sitting and thinking for days. Its left me mostly depressed, my will cracked and just plain so unsure of what to do with myself its unreal. Sometimes I can be positive, most negative. The up and down roller coaster ride is wearing me down and the pain isn't helping me like I need it to.

Most of me says to isolate myself from everyone when I move out of here. Not turn the net on and just allow myself to fade away to nothing. I've tried and tried to come up with reasons to look forward to the future and I honestly don't see any.

Mainly its the alone factor. My fate. My bane. My most hated thing in life. Spending it alone. I know I have to. I know there is no other way. I've fought and fought it. But it always comes back to remind me. Knowing my damned fool heart has messed up one of the most important friendships I've had has really cracked my resolve.

I think that's the absolute worst thing about all this situation. Things don't have to be said for me to know. I feel it. Every day. Could be the guilt I feel in failing. I don't know. I just know I can feel the difference, all it takes is to open the connection. That's killing me. Why the hell couldn't I have held myself in more control? Hell I did it for over a year and a half and for about 5 years before that with 2 others.

Whats the point? I have no family to take care of. Few friends to have fun with. I've realized recently I've been isolating me from everyone little by little for the last year or so. It makes me wonder if deep down I've known this time was coming and been preparing myself to go in to the utter isolation I see myself doing. I'm too tired all around.

To tired to think, to tired to feel, to tired to care. I've been working on shredding what little of my heart is left. I need to be like I was before. I don't want it but it has to be done. But the only way I can see my success at killing off that most stupid part of me is to not let anyone around anymore. I'm tired of hurting and tired of hurting others.

Maybe its time for me to wake up and let the punch the Lady gave me just take me out. I can't fight this. I can't fight myself anymore. I'm so tired of trying and failing. I haven't succeeded in anything I've tried. I've honestly tried to think of why I should keep trying and there is nothing there. I know my friends would be pissed off knowing that but it is reality and fact for me.

After all my bane in life is to be alone. I just need to take it to the next step and make it fully alone. I can't deal with this situation and I can't fight it anymore.

Maybe time will change how I think. Maybe it won't. I just know I can't handle this. I can't talk to anyone about it. I can't work things out with anyone's help anymore. I have no one to turn to, to help me find my way out of this blackness that won't lighten up. Because there is no hope for me. I see it slipping out of my grasp little by little each day. My fight to live is fading. No, I'm not going to do anything suicidal. I just don't see the point of fighting to live a life that is worthless.

Yes, it is worthless. To me. I'll never have the family I've always wanted and dreamed of. My time is done. I'm too old. My enjoyment for anything has faded to next to nothing. What's the point of life without enjoyment?

There's a saying "Live, Laugh, Love". How can you live and laugh when you can't love? I can't. Not anymore. It won't be much longer until I've finally ripped that part of me completely out. When I've succeeded in taking that last little bit out, I'll have no reason to laugh and live.

Such is my bane that I must accept. One way or another.